exhaustion

My 23rd birthday is coming up and birthdays for many people are trouble filled days. Last year, I had a cruel argument with a former friend and that affected my whole day. I don’t think they realised it was my birthday until afterwards but I definitely spiralled and went to my birthday dinner disorientated and numb. This year, I want it to be better but I can’t promise myself that.

My housemate and love of my life will be back in London so that’ll be great. But I’ll be at uni during the day and working in the evening, which means I’ll be distracted alhamdulilah.

Every year, I think about everything I’ve lost. This milestone however, will be the hardest, because it feels like I’ve lost the most. I’ll be entering my 24th year in this dunya without my dad or my grandma. Processing grief doesn’t take a day off on birthdays or celebrations; on the contrary, grief on these days is heightened (and I’m prepared for this).

I’m an Aries; a fire sign. I often focus on what I don’t have and get riled up about it. I know, in all of my being, that I achieved so much last year (exhibition, book, surviving), however I’ve never been able to give myself props for that. If there’s one birthday wish that I have, it’ll be to not work myself into the ground for the sake of career. It would be to rest. To love. To accept. To believe that I’m enough, not just in high or low moments in life, but in the in between moments, when I’m writing a blog post, freshly washed hair and a face mask on, home alone and anxious. I am enough in these moments, when no one is watching.

I won’t properly celebrate my birthday and that’s fine. I will visit my dad, stay on top of my work, see my mum, go to the gym and check in with loved ones. That’ll be my birthday week, my year and none of that will kill me insha’Allah.

Stay blessed. Don’t gamble with your health x